The Silver Road

Days are for dreaming

2010-03-21T00:38:15Z

I must admit, I am not in a very creative mood lately. I have the time to practise but I choose not to out of sheer laziness. In all fairness, I think I am due to have a lazy day, especially in regards to the crazy week I've had.

Long and short of it, we came to realize that certain male individuals had bribed my staff and were harrassing my weekend ladies, all in a bid to get them to hand over credit cards (items for pickup) without the customer having to show proper (and legal) ID. And of course my ladies didn't play ball with them, refused the bribes, and things escalated to the point where they were concerned for their safety (specifically afraid that these men would follow them home after work.) I got involved, notifying CP security. Ends up that these guys are in a huge credit card fraud and they are utilizing various addresses to get as many cards as they can. It all came to a head when one of them came in after 5pm while I was still there (and on the phone with CP security no less) and tried to pass of a Quebec provicial ID card (THERE IS NO SUCH THING.) I gave him a hard time, photocopied his "ID" and told him to come back with proper ID and proof of address if he expects anything from this office. Sneaky them, they try to come in when I'm not there (evenings and weekends.) So far the guy hasn't returned; after reviewing the security tape, he looked pretty messed up and nervous. I couldn't care less about the credit card scam, the safety of my staff is my priority. This made for a long dirty week of going through video footage, numerous phone calls, and a lot of talking with FS (always a painful experience; FS manager wants me in the worst way and cannot look my husband in the eye when he picks me up from work. I'm a piece of work.)

I hung out with my aunt for a bit this week; she was here for a conference (she is a nun.) She couldn't get over how skinny I was and I had changed. I haven't seen her in about 5 years or so. I guess I look different? I dunno, I often am told I look the same.

It makes me skin crawl to live here. I get ONE day off a week, I would love to spend it in silence. But no. Everyone gets up at 8am sounding like elephants on parade. Should I buy some noise cancelling ear plugs? Maybe some sleeping pills? Both? All hell will break loose one morning when I finally lose it. I very often try to sleep over on friday and/or saturday nights, which has prompted my dad to ask if i even want to live here. Um, no? Wasn't that obvious? Maybe try respecting my privacy and I'll want to be around here. Although that has never ever happened in all my life, I doubt anyone would clue in now. I don't need a running commentary on every one of my actions. I just don't.

Apparently people think I am interesting. Or rather, people find my personal life very interesting. I am getting very tired of people asking me about my living situation, my family situation, "what am i going to tell my parents?", "what will you do with you life","have you thought of teachers college." No. No. and NO. Why can't people try to discuss with me normal everyday topics, like the weather, or the olympics, or something else that isn't so damn invading. I know I sound like a bitchy ball of sunshine, but it seems of late that every convo I have revolves around my VERY personal life, which is not info that is privy to everyone (only to a very rare few.)

Orchestra is doing very well, and although I haven't really practised, I don't feel a need to. Not only am I feeling confident with the music, but for once I am REALLY into playing. How to describe it? It feels very organic, and full of emotion. I dont feel anxious about being in a room full of strangers, in a sketchy part of downtown. Its like a sense of belonging. So much so that I went on craigslist to see if I could find another orchestra to pick up, which I did. We'll see how the first rehearsal goes. Hopefully, the calibre of music will not be too high so that hubby can play with me (no offense, we both know that we would like to play something not too snobby. lols)

I neglected to mention that I did cut my hair. Brave me, 1 whole inch. Who am I kidding? I like it long, short hair is far too childlike on me. Now if only I could get people to stop calling me "girl", then we'd be in business.

A Piece

2010-03-16T01:44:02Z

Hey, so I found a word to describe myself.

Extraneous - Not constituting a vital element or part. Coming from the outside.

I asked myself, how often do I feel like a coversation piece? A coversation about and not with? Very often.

I've always understood that people will not understand me, and part of my fun is to keep 'em guessing. I'm not black and white, but oh do they see red. The red hair is used as a means to come up to me, like I have the words "the doctor is in" pasted on my forhead. Complete strangers will talk to me, maybe to see if I have an interesting pearl of wisdom to drop from my mouth or what not. I had a homeless guy offer me a smoke the other day; when I told him 'no thanks, I don't smoke' he muttered something about 'endangered' while walking away.

I sit in public arenas and feel out of place. Social ackwardness, yes, I will admit. But it more than that. I've got my own style (hells yes), that can stick out or blend in. I've got my own way of speaking, sometimes with a southern black accent, sometimes the scarborough girls comes out, sometimes a drunk girl, sometimes I talk like I have a painted tongue. If you are privledged enough to hear me speak, you might think twice about what you heard.

Basically, I think I'm feeling the sting of not fitting in anywhere 100%. When I'm playing music, I feel like I'm kicking it in my niche, yet having conversations with the others feels strange (either I'm trying to not be pretentious, or I should be pretentious.) When I'm shopping (clothing, makeup, etc.) I feel dressed down and not pretty enough for the other girls, yet in other areas of life I'm constantly asked beauty and style advice. And I dont feel like I have ANY friends who share a mutual passion of a lot of these muses of mine. Thats is with the exception of the individuals reading this post to begin with. Yeah, you!

Maybe I'm just not giving people a chance. I never knew my friend K liked shoes (heels!), and that we had a mutual love of stilettos. You would never have guessed until we spent some girl time together, which we both admitted was overdue and suprising because neither of us fall for the whole "gf bffs" junk (who are we kidding? we know that women's hearts are black; the two of us just happen to have a lot of shit in common and deal, yo.)

I need a touch of help. I need conversational topics, not to be one. Ideas? Don't make me use the google machine.

Everyday is exactly the same

2010-03-13T19:09:26Z

For the past 2-3 weeks I've been waking up with the song Lovely Rita by The Beatles in my head. I haven't heard it in a very long time, but it appears that I am (yet again) going through a subconcious beatles phase.

I curiously asked myself the other day why I always want a seat by the window on the bus. Everything outside appears exactly as it did the day before. That metal shop is still out of business, the Bombay Fashions is still opened before 9am by the little indian man, and the flower shop is always covered up front with green buckets. You would think that the inside of the bus would be more interesting; sometimes it is, but mostly it is not. I'm starting to feel like Data when he got his emotion chip, and how he could turn it on and off at will. Its best to turn it off between the hours of 7am and 6pm.

Brain-dumping. Our generation has become a world of brain-dumping that is enabled by vices such as Facebook and Twitter. What is the difference between standing on your porch yelling "I like toast!!" and posting on you Fb status? Nothing really, aside from the fact that people who use facebook are (mostly likely) interested in hearing about your affection for toast. And then when no one comments on your status, you feel somehow unvalidated because you assume no one has read it, or someone did read it and didn't care about your option / emotional state / actions / etc. I have one FB friend who posts something (a link, a status update,pictures, whatever), and then proceeds to comment on his own post to push it into the live feed. I like how he self-validates himself while also consequently making himself look like a major tool, but that much I already knew.

The avoidance. I find that between myself and many others of the generation X (and later), that there is a major theme of avoidance. We avoid giving a yes or no answer, we avoid answering things directly, we avoid confrontation, we avoid helping, etc. If you were on the subway and an elderly person came on, what would you do?

A. Give up your seat automatically? - I see 1 out of 20 do this, and it is usually the action of a young asian female, obviously raised to respect her elders.
B. Look around to see if anyone else is giving up their seat before offering yours? I often to do, I feel like a tool having given up my seat and putting the elderly person in a positon of embarrassing choice. Or in a few occassion, some other tool thought I was getting up to get off the train and took my seat before letting the elderly person sit down, very rudely unaware of their own actions. Like, "what? why wouldn't I sit down?"
C. Pretend you are sleeping and do no see them. I am also guilty of this (yes I know, shame shame shame) but it is always in the case of, there are 50 other people sitting down that can give also up their seat, my day was really aweful, and if I stand for 1 more minute I will be the one falling over.

Overall, the past few years have brought to light the issue of avoidance. Why can't we be more straight up with each other, give answers to questions, be honest, and bite the bullet about how uncaring those answers might be? I suppose if I told every prof that I ever had that I skipped their class b/c it was boring as watching paint dry and I'd rather be sleeping, well, I'm just rude I suppose.

ps. I have some other post brewing about the absolutelyness (or non-absoluteness) of truth. Brought on my The Invention of Lying.

Random 2K10

2010-03-04T01:13:18Z

I wonder if that visor leaves a dent in her hair. She wears it everyday, to the office? or where does she go? Buy a hat.

Nice make-up gun grandma. Red Lipstick on your teeth, and eyes....and hair.

Don't wiggle your eyebrows at me mister, this aint for you.

Hosan is love.

Breakfast skipped....again.

Lunch break fail.

I married a chef, I'll be the stove top cook and the baker.

Shiny new things make me happy. Antiques make me feel like a story. Why both?

Pink is romantic.

I am artsy. I am business. I'm a company man who loves to shop at flea markets. Where do I fit in?

Hair brained

2010-02-22T00:12:37Z

Am I the only one horrified at the thought of using an elastic band for a hair tie? I cannot even fathom getting one near my head, and how much pain it would induce, not to mention the damage it would bring to my hair. Wow that sounds far too dainty feminine, but for once in my life, I have evolved enough as a person to realize that hair care is important. For me? For a good part of my life I wanted to forget that I had hair, I did not want it, it was troublesome, hard to manage, and my hair was downright outrageous. Of course as a child, styling products were a no-no, so in a number of pictures of me as a little red head, it was a big fuzz of carrot coloured feathers. Now adays, much more product is used (and I mean MUCH), and it looks somewhat normal. Still an outrageous colour, but normal.

And I can strangely admit that there has not really been a day in my life, aside from the last 5 years, that I ever considered myself a red head. HUH? Yeah, you heard me. I guess I didn't look in the mirror very much, or only thought of myself as different because I was teased a lot for just about everything. I once had a girl accuse me of dying my hair red so I could get attention, and some how convinced the rest of the group of girls that this was thusly true, and they all stopped talking to me. A mean prank? Insecure about your own ugly ass? Whatever. But seriously, it was not until I met other red heads that I realized who I was. Its like we have our own little society of spf 100, freckles, and exchanging info about aloe brands.

Apart of this new awareness is taking care of my mane. I've been wanting to grow it out for over a year now. I last had a hair cut in April 2009, 100% reasoned because I was starting a new job and wanted to leave a good impression, especially since this job entailed not only meeting new co-workers, but also easing all the old customers into a new setting. (I figured I would be of my best interest to look respectable if I wanted respect, yo. I think it paid off a lot because I find that when I looked back on things, I wasn't really judged too harshly; I was originally thinking a lot of people who think me a liar when I stated "I am the manager", when I did obviously look very young, and I suppose it is hard for someone to accept that I am the best person for the position, because age will tell experience.) Anyways, I had my hair already short before this, so when I had the other hair cut, it was pretty short. And I did like the practicality of it, but it often annoyed me; if the curls hit humidity, even a ponytail looked very untidy. So I vowed not to cut it until I was absolutely necessary.

Hair grows at a rate of 1/2 an inch every month. It has been almost a year since my last cut so my hair has grown about 6 inchs (give or take.) I am now in a position of having to face 2 facts.

I need a hair cut. The shape is getting wacky, so that even when I style it straight, it looks kinda funky and uneven. And I think that looks sloppy (very obviously unkept), which I am so pet peeved about. I hate it when things look sloppy. (Dont look at my living space, I have a lot of stuff going on!) I booked an appointment for March 4th.
Very long hair and Very short hair have the same affect on me, I look very young. And this may seem self-concious, but I'm really thinking about my self image lately. I do not want my image to 'get in the way' of my career progression. By that I mean, I do not want to look too young to do a serious job, I don't want an potential employer to look at me a think "she's is qualified, but she looks too young" or "we need someone more mature." I wouldn't blame an employer for thinking that either, fresh young faces are good but not when I'm trying to secure myself a more 'mature' position than as an intern or piss-on.

I am now faced with the issue of, what to do? I like having long hair, I do not wish to reduce the length by a lot, but I also need a more 'business' hair style. Wow that sounds ridiculous, but I want my self image to be reflective of my goals. I don't think short Shirley Temple red curls will do that. Nor with long free spirited goddess hair (re: Venus.) So I'm thinking something shoulder length, with layers? I can't have straight hair (all the same length) or it will look like a pyramind because of the thickness. So I'll look over my options, and make a desicion before March 4th!

A Cranky Ginger Bear

2010-02-18T04:32:41Z

I feel as if I have been in a perpetual state of crankiness. And then something not so great happens, and I get ready to fly. BANG BLAME bam, grinding teeth, trying not to let my fustrations and anger cloud my judgement. It would be silly of me to say that it happens mostly at work and at 'home', but frankly, 80% of the time I am at one or the other, so statistics are bogus.

Customers - any time of day, but mostly in the morning, they creep up to the counter and stand in absolute silence or stand about 4 feet away from where the sign says "please line up here", again in absolute silence. They simply don't say anything - no coughing, tapping, or even key jingling. They don't indicate in ANY WAY that they need services, or have a question, etc. They just STAND THERE. And then they get peevy with me or the other clerk because we didn't read their minds. The catch is, it has often been the case where people will just stand near or around my counter just to look at things (new stamps, coin sets, see what selection of envelopes we have, etc.) and they do not need me in their face trying to sell them something, I try to respect the customer's privacy. BUT holy smokes I need some communication! Don't stand there in complete silence, as I have my back turned concentrating on doing something. Its not as if I am ignoring you with intent, I just don't know that you need or want something unless you communicate that to me. Alas, my genetics must be behind in the times because I was not born with eyes in the back of my head and super sensitive hearing. And as per that I am clearly doing something (within my job, not like I'm standing there twiddling my thumbs), whats up with being snarky about the fact that you are standing there, not communicating your existence, and then chew me out? That is to say, I do have customers who speak up - "Good morning" or "I'd like to buy a stamp", low and behold there is service with a smile! One customer had the nerve to state pretty loudly "How long do I have to wait here until you serve me??"...well, as long as you stand there not communicating to me you need service, as per I am clearly concentrating my attention on something else...as long as it takes for you to say a simple "Hello." ASS.

Living* - I'm more and more concerned that my mother has alzheimers disease, and she's only 60. It went from things being just annoyingly reminded (don't forget to wear socks in the dead of winter!), to things that are making no sense whatsoever. Such as, I could say to her "I am going to make some toast.", she would ask if I would use bread?, or use the toaster?, or both. OR if I mentioned I was going to put a wash on for laundry, she would tell me that the dryer is on, or that the laundry machine uses water. ??? OR I have been raving about the olympics, I've been wearing my olympic sweaters everywhere, and I've been dealing (talking about) the huge promo with CP for the olypmics since last October...she asked me if I knew that the olympics were on t.v. HUH? And everyone seems to be in very blatent denial of that fact that she IS losing it. She repeats the same questions all the time, forgets things day to day, and always seems to cook the same meals everyday (she only remembers what she made the day before if there are leftovers, and she loses track sometimes of what meat we have in the freezer.) I notice a huge repeation in her behaviour; she has a daily routine that cannot be disturbed or she gets confused or fumbly, she has certain days for certain activities (wednesday is grocery day, etc.), she buys the same products all the time and gets confused when the packaging changes, etc. I guess the repeation is good in some ways because she always remembers her medications, and to get certain things done. I really need to figure out a way to make this a BIG DEAL because there is no cure and if we do not address it now, then it may be too late to medicate. Her mother died of alzheimers, and it is hereditary. Help?

Changes - slowly happening, getting my stuff organized and together, not really realizing until looking at all it, how much I am going to have to deal with. I have parted with what needs to be parted with, and I am getting a little concerned about how I going to establish MY space (quiet, private, etc.) and where that is going to be.

-----------------------------------------

Also, I find myself to make habits and interests out of seemingly random things.

I have taken to reading a bit more, I have a few short story books that I find easier to wade through than to take on a novel; at least point I feel I'm still in university rehab, and trying to recover from the book overload I've experienced throughout the last 4 years. I like reading, I always have, and I find less of TV appealing to me. I think over the past month, I may have watched maybe 2-3 hours a week? And not really watching, just turned on in the background of things.

I have obviously taken to a lot more writing; I have tried writing some fiction, which is cool, but a little stunted because when I feel inspired to write something, or a thought comes to me, I am almost always in a situation where I cannot write it down right away, and when I finally get the chance to, the thought is GONE. I'm carrying a notebook with me, let's see if that works.

I have also taken to baking. Tea biscuits from scratch, moose hunter cookies (molasses/brown sugar/nutmeg), different kinds of muffins. I am getting kinda good at it, learning from mistakes. Its all in a point to get used to cooking for myself, and trying to be creative, because y'all know I need a dose of exciting!

I can't be mundain, apparently I am "intriguing."

McQueen.

2010-02-13T02:17:02Z

And so goes another tragic waste of beauty. I will admit, If I had the option, I would've had a McQueen wedding dress. I know he's dead, I heard he hung himself, I recognize the tragedy. But in one of his last twitter posts... "life must go on."

I won't sit here a pretend like we were BFFs or any sort of nonsense, but it does make me sad a little inside about how he gave up. I'm browsing through the 2010 spring collecton right now, and you left too early. I really wish someone had stepped up and held your hand, because sometimes even the best of us need to live through heartache.

Writer's Block: Wake up and smell the coffee

2010-02-13T01:04:45Z

Given the choice, would you rather sleep in or eat a delicious breakfast? Is there any food you love so much that you'd wake up at dawn or travel a great distance just to eat it?

View 1757 Answers

A great topic of debate in my life. There was a point when I would have easily answered this question with SLEEP IN. But that was before Florida. That was before the world's greatest breakfast. That was before...Denny's.

Yes, I am aware the it is about 1000 calories per meal, and its a total greasy spoon. However, I can't take it for granted becaue the only time I ever get to eat there is when I'm in the USA. Oh there is a Denny's in Canada, but why ruin how special it is? Its a once a year thing, and I could sit there and order anything / everything off that menu. They somewhat stole our tim bit idea, where its deep fried pancake batter, tossed in cinnamon and sugar, and you eat it by dipping it in maple syrup. My thighs just cried for mercy but my taste buds say 'oh where have you been my whole life!?!"

So in short, I would rather get up at 5am if that meant I had a Denny's breakfast waiting for me. Since it cannot be unless I'm on the other side of the border, I would sleep in.

Secondly, if my Mr. was making his famous french toast at 5am, I would pick it over Denny's. Yes, your french toast because its made with love, and no food chain, not even Denny's, can surpass that.

Fantastic Febuary

2010-02-06T17:18:49Z

A lot has happened in the last week. I will admit, I was a huge cranky crabby post master; I spent about 9 days straight not sleeping (ie. not comfortable, waking up at odd hours all night, or not being able to fall asleep altogether.) And in spite of all that, sometimes I am amazed at life...

1. I save the life of a Post carrier. - He came in about 4 hours before his usual time, looking extremely pale, obviously dizzy. His blood pressure (after we checked it) was 200/90. BAD. So I told him to sit a minute, relax, and we'll try it again. 205/120. WORSE. The pharmacist stepped in and adviced him to get medical attention just because that was a crazy number for blood pressure and in physical appearance, he did not look 'right.' The carrier went back to his truck to call in that he was not feeling well, but I was stuck behind my counter very concerned that he would drive off, or black out, or worse. In a very timely fashion, one of the other carriers came in to drop off mail, I mentioned the situation to him and asked if he could check on the other drive, which he obliged. Low and behold, they ended up going off to the hospital, where (I find out in the aftermath, the next day) that the first carrier was on the brink of a major heart attack, and may have died right then and there in his truck. Everyone is now citing that I saved his life, although I give a lot of credit to the other mail carrier, who could have said no to checking on him (and yes, some would say no because of the very tight schedules they are on); his reply was "If you hadn't said something to me, I wouldn't have known to check on him, and then who knows what could have happened. You got the ball rolling." Hrm, well, I'd like to think that if I was in medical/physical distress, someone wouldn't wave me off but lend me a hand. The post station is now a-buzz with my actions, and apparently we (the other carrier and I) will be formally recognized by the post office for our life saving efforts. Hrm.

2. I got a position as 1 of 2 clarinet players for the GTPO - Back in September 2009, I sent in my music resume, knowing they were not looking for woodwinds, but offered my services in there was ever a time they needed someone to fill in. The called me in October, offering a position for 1 concert, which I regretfully didn't do because my clarinet was in repairs for 2 weeks and the concert was in 3 (with me needing to be in rehearsal for all 3, beginning about 2 days after they called me.) I was unable to find a professional / semi - prof instrument to use, with even my music teacher had lent out his extra one to someone else and his own was in repairs as well. So I missed that boat, thinking they may never contact me again. But they DID. I recieved an email regarding the upcoming Pops concert, and they want me to fill in, which I am VERY at liberty to do so right now. I am a bit intimidated because I haven't really played since last april (in a serious, agenda type way.) I am going into this knowing that I very well could fail, but will try everything not to because who knows if I will ever have an opportunity like this again. Overall, the whole thing feels like a a mix of ....random, chance, providence, and awesome.

3. My CP manager was promoted to a new position in corporate, so I am faced with a replacement who might lead to bigger opportunities.* When we first met, he seemed very impressioned with how I ran my office, commenting on how I was "detail orientated" and a "relief that at least one office is operating properly." I ended up having a very slight issue regarding some display posters which I was suppose to receive by Feb. 3rd, and by the 4th the posters were still not here; these posters were suppose to cover up the Olypmic posters that displayed specific athletes, and we were not to show favoritism (feb. 3 - 28.) I called D, told him the issue, and he called me back the next day saying how "great is was that I called, no other outlet recieved the posters yet you were the only one who called. A lot of the outlets were not even aware of the poster changes because they had not checked their email in over a week" and that he was "relieved that I was a responsible person." He then informed me that he had researched a bit about me, because he wants to know that backgrounds of the managers he is working with (??), and was impressed by everything that was said about me (I'm guessing he spoke to the other CP manager, and the CP manager I had dealt with at my previous outlet.) He offered me a position of training new SDM PO employees from other stores, where I would not really recieve any compensation for my time aside from my regular pay (TBA), but in the back of my mind this would definitely open up an opportunity to A) improve me resume and B) have my foot in the door to potentional employment by CP and not SDM. And hell, I've trained many people before, its not as if this is above me to do, and not unfamiliar. I think saying NO would actually be a huge drawback, as if I'm not open to progress. Yah know?

*maybe a blessing is disguise because having 2 head office guys impressed is better than 1, right?

Anyways, so far Feb. 2010 has been strange and progression and damn everything is coming up roses.

Detox

2010-01-31T23:24:29Z

We recently were helping a friend move from his parent's home into his own basement apartment. It felt pretty liberating for me to even help with the process, knowing that he had been struggling with life/living situation for a long time. It has somewhat given me a kick in the ass to get on with it already. So right now I'm in the process of detoxifying my life. Yup, its tip to shape up in order to ship out; really, I do have too much stuff. Well, I dont have THAT much stuff, but I look around and see things that I'm not using, haven't used in awhile, bought b/c I thought I would need/use it and then didn't, and stuff left over that could be utilized by other means.

I have a bunch of school supplies (pens, highlighers, paper, binders, etc.) that really need to find a new home where they can be used. I plan on taking a lot of it to work, since customers take our pens all the time and I know I annoy my boss when I ask for more pens..."What, again?" Moi: *Smiles Broadly* ...yes.. / I'm hoping after that is done, I can reclaim some space in my desk for other things, like the somewhat overflow of makeup products that I use regularly, interchangably, and will not part with until used up, or expired (re: dried out, lumpy, crusty, and a bunch of other ugly words.) It took me awhile to accept that mascara really does have a 3 month shelf life after opening, and that Clinque has great skin products but lousy mascara. I had some sample sizes in a few and I was only impressed with 1 - High Impact Mascara. *Note: it can get clumpy after a short period of time, so I usually only where it to work and not on days where I'm going out after work because it flakes off after being on for more than 10 hours. Whining, I know, but its the only mascara I own that doesn't hold up for 15+ hours.

I'm also going through a debate regarding my books. I have a lot of books. I'm talking 100+. However, most of them I kept because they were from school, they were expensive, and/or are classics that make a good personal library. But then I thought, who am I kidding? Am I going to ever has a use or desire to read "The Canterbury Tales" ever again? Meanwhile, the books I'm actually reading (Born With a Tooth by Joseph Boyden) get shuffled around from shelf to shelf with no final spot to rest. Molly Flanders may have been entertaining, I doubt I would ever pick it up again. Should I sell? Donate? I really don't want to wait for the next round of classes to come in May for summer school before I start offering them up. I have some other boxes of books I need to sort out; one of which I know is school books but now that I've had a change of heart about what I'm keeping, I may have to re-think that box.

Emo-licious

2010-01-23T19:08:39Z

I keep having these really horrible moments where I'm dreaming about something remarkably vivid and disturbing. I wake up, not sure if anything was real or fake and roll over to see my clock at 2:30, 3:30, 4, 5, then 6:30 and I'm up again for work. The whole day stays as some haze of imagination, not sure if the trials and tribulations of my day are a figment of my imagination or some alternate reality that I'm now possessed to live through. I come home feeling dull and dry, and unable to hold up conversations with people that don't involve the mundaine details of how many parcels I handled today, or how many broken-english sentences I had to decifer.

My obsession with coffee is in a good place, and I often find myself having "I need a drink" moments in the middle of the day. I scowered a few grocery stores looking for this hot chocolate instant coffee mix I used to drink religiously (Kalhua Cap by nescafe) and I am disappointed to find that it is no longer available. Maybe I was the only one buying it. I used to drink it every morning back in the day, where it was a blatent disguise for something more cynical going on. Having a craving for it now makes me concerned if I'm tripping back into a life that I shouldn't be.

And then at the same moment, a switch flips, and I become motivated to do more. A plethora of thoughts have passed through me; taking cooking classes, photography classes, picking up my camera to take some random nature photos, going out into the country and take pictures of whatever swings my way, read one or all of those books that sit there, get rid of the stale books. I went through my shelves a few days ago and looked over the novels, realizing that most I would never read again, only wanting to hold onto them because of their status as 'classic'. But hell, its like this split I have all the time, I'm in love with vintage and antique, something with a history or a life story thats a mystery for me to either make up or discover. Yet I feel compelled to move towards the latest and greatest thing, with 6 months under its belt makes it boring and passe.

Believing in re-birth, reincarnation, has been taking a hold of me lately. Somewhat wondering what the past was, and what the future will be, asking myself if this is all there is. I know that to make things more I have to be very proactive, and get off my ass, yet I feel so increadibly stuck in the whole situation of not having the self esteem to push myself into things. And my god how pathetic is that. Sitting here to feel sorry for myself, where I feel like going out for it would just be absolute pulling teeth.

Stuck in the mentality of 'its easier just not to try anything' but then hating the moment when I see everyone going forward in their lives while I feel like I'm standing still in the dust of those ahead of me. Jealousy and laziness, those are strong mighty words, but feeling like my life path is face down in the mud is not something that I can live with. Give me the next great thing. I'm uncoachable, unteachable, because I'm so damn stubborn to think that I already know it, when in the end I see that I don't know it at all.

Sorry - Getting it off my brain, out of my chest, and into the open, I can't let my winter blues fester anymore.

Travel, The "They", and Survivalism

2010-01-10T16:12:31Z

I am about 3 days away from venturing off to the sunshine state. The roads aren't shitty, the gators are big and small (some in pickled jars for tourists), and the I-drive Denny's is calling my name. I know I blogged about this before, but I'm just so damn excited!
If I can remember our schedule...

Wed. Jan 13 - flight at 4pm in Buffalo, landing around 7pm in Orlando, pick up our luggage, our car, and then off to the hotel.

Thurs. Jan 14 - daytona - going to the beach (yes I am swimming!) and taking a guided tour of the Kennedy Space Centre (which I have wanted to visit since I was a kid, and I dreamt about it while others were wishing for Disneyland.)

Fri. Jan 15 - Seaworld!!!

Saturday. Jan. 16 - SHOPPING. Nothing I really need to buy but its always interesting to find the outlet stores, and such. Maybe going to see the Ringling Bros. Circus that evening at the Anway Arena (the most confusng arena ever b/c both entraces are identical, so be careful to where you park your car.)

Sunday Jan. 17 - nothing really planned, maybe just go exploring around? Our flight leaves sometime early that evening, we should be back in Toronto around 11pm.

My phone has no reception in Florida, so no phone calls from work. No I'm am not running to the rescue YET AGAIN. And this is a good test for figuring out my vacation in June (MAYBE going to Nova Scotia with the fam., although I just know that a week before we are suppose to go they will back out.)

We've discussed it a bit, and I think it would be great to visit Paris, London, and take a tour of the US(excluding Detriot.)

_____________________

What is this mystical "they" that everyone refers to? I usually understand it to be the invisible force that controls us all, mainly upper managment that no one will ever see and put a name to. And also the mystical "they" in reference to general heresay. I find myself using this phrase a lot..."they do not want to sell individual envelopes"...."they do not have the service"..."they do not make that product", etc. Which overall makes sense, b/c it is not completely nameless. BUT I find that a lot of people use this phrase ambigously enough to make it creepy, as if there really is a Big Brother watching us.

______________________
2000-2009

*Takes a deeeeep breath*

H1N1 / Swine Flu
Bird Flu
Mad Cow
SARS
MRSA
West Nile
Y2K
Anthrax
6/6/2006
9/11
George W. Bush

....2012, I say Zombie Apocaylpse. I mean, what else is left?

Hoarders, Hauls, and Holidays

2010-01-03T03:35:43Z

I haven't done a post in awhile, remarkably not really because of work, but really from a lack of anything to say. I spent most of December working, but not doing much of anything else to balance things out. By the 23rd, I was getting pretty snappy with customers and glad I decided to give hours to the PT staff so I could get a serious mental break.

I've been watching the show "Hoarders" a bit, and I just couldn't get over how some people end up living it absolute squalor. This one woman had been living in the house for a good 50 years, raised both of her kids there, and her den was layed with decades worth of garbage. I mean GARBAGE. It was old pop bottles, fast food containers, etc. It got to the point of turning the show off when the clean up people (1-800-junk) found not one, but 2, dead cats in her living room (nothing but a skeleton and bits of fur.) It was an amazing display of how disfunctional the human brain can become when mixed with emotions. I personally tend to accumulate stuff (I 'bargain buy'*), but once in awhile I can clean things out and donate/throw things away without a sense of great anxiety. I have a hard time understanding the emotional attachment to items that are nothing more than garbage.

*My bargain buying...I will buy something one sale, knowing that I will eventually use it, but also knowing that I can hold onto it for awhile before getting around to using it. Such as this Joico shampoo I bought on a clearance sale in 1L bottles (1 shampoo, 1 conditioner.) for $20, while the regular 250ml bottle sells for about $21 each. I had it sitting in my closet for abou 2 months before using it, b/c I had other shampoo to finish first, and I'm now currently using it. And the bottles have been lasting a longggg time. I plan to see if I can get over to a beauty discount place when in Florida to get a new straightening iron and some more of this shampoo.

Hauls - I went a little crazy with the shopping this year. I pretty much got everything that I wanted (my own purchases.) I got the Love of Pink set, and the Ricci Ricci set. I bought myself a new hairdryer with a hair straightener (for my OTHER bathroom.) I bought a lot of the PINK stuff that was one clearance sale. And I finally caved into my clinique needs; I went to the SDM with the beauty boutique and bought myself the 3 step system. I was so impressed with my results, I bought this set to have for my OTHER bathroom, and an extra bottle of the toner. And I bought theirsuperbalanced foundation, which I am not that crazy about but it is suppose to compliment the cleansing system, and so far the results have been 100% clear skin for the first time in my life. So now I just need to save up my next 2 pay cheques for Florida, which I dont intend on buying much since I have pretty much everything I wanted anyways.

Holidays - For christmas I think I got the best present I could have asked for. The LIVE IN OLYMPIA set, which I was just going ape-shit over since it came out. PLUS a record player to play it on!! (I have accumulated a few records for collecting and I couldn't play any of them.) I also got an ACER laptop, some clothing, some perfume (not any particular kind that I would wear), a mug with my kitty and me on it (so sweet, i love it), etc. I spent the days dancing inbetween my two families, wanting to be with one more than the other.

Lastly, things are getting to a point where I absolutely know where I want to be, and it is becoming clear what is going to happen pretty soon. I guess I can make it a NY resolution, but one way or another I may finally get to live the life I should be living. And I am looking forward to it.

AND I would not feel an inch guilty if I up and quit my job because it is driving me nuts, it is not a career I want, and I already feel very stuck. I re-wrote my resume and a cover letter, and I'll be looking around by the end of January for something else. But hell, I'd rather do nothing for awhile before doing something again. I am more blissfully happy when not at work than dreading the time right beforehand.

Living in Limbo

2009-12-08T03:22:23Z

It has been painfully long since I've posted anything, but my life has become almost totally consumed by my occupation. I can't go a weekend without getting a phone every few hours about something I have no way in which solve (i.e. the computer is frozen, wtf do you want me to do about? wave my magic post office wand?) I find it remarkable that customers are actually clueing into the shit I have to go through. I have had a few who have commented on my "absolute patience" and "skills at staying calm." And my gawd its true, I haven't had any anxiety in months and months. I think the key to anti-anxiety is maintaining a state of complete un-idleness. I am busy all the time and rarely not doing something, so when I do have downtime I spend it staring at my computer watching youtube videos.

Some videos I have come accross that make me happy/intrigued/entertained:

Halo cover song - don't the scarves seem strange?

Begin the Begin - may take awhile to load, but i love this live performance

Tardy the Turtle - from the cancelled show "Greg the Bunny" by Seth Green...

GTG - random find, she is so clever.

Blair / Juicystar97 - i found this one by accident, and I can't seem to stop watching her. No idea why, I do not feel enlightened but she has a positive attitude...

Bear Attack - The Onion News

How to fix broken makeup - looked this up after my Clinique Touch Base for Eyes was mysterious broken (definitely not how I left it, hrm...)

Kitten! - looks like what my nommers would have looked like as a itty bitty kitty.

What I want for Xmas *HINT HINT HINT*

And lastly some things for New Moon, if you have not seen the movie, it may not make sense.

Sims Possibility Scene - gotta love the SIMS.

New Moon in 1 Minute - I cannot take credit for this gem, founded by my hubby.

Overall, I'm trying to think of interesting comments to make here, some many things I find interesting that keep slipping my mind before I get to write them down. Um, got a new laptop for xmas (ACER) which runs great, very small, still attracts cat hair. I had a bit of a shopping spree with sephora and Clinique, where I bought a few items on impulse and some out of necessity (and since I have a paycheque that isn't peanuts, maybe its due time to splurge a little on something I will indefinitely use, such as quality foundation and mascara.)

I am about 2/3 done with my xmas shopping, which was totally random for most parts; I would see something I thought someone would like and bought it as a present, not on an intential xmas shopping run, which is usually what I do. I just can't wait for this to be over.

I keep feeling like this situation in my life is very temporary. We went to my staff holiday party, and I felt like I was sitting there among semi-stranges b/c when we are at work, we f-cking WORK. There is no social time to get to know your 'team' members, aside from the person whom you work alongside most often. No one from my staff went (exams and too far to travel) but being part of the management team, I was there and accounted for. I hate that when I'm not at work, I think about work, about the next thing, what I need to do, etc. My exhistence revolves around work (what time i get up, what time i sleep, my diet, my appearance.) I mean, I wanted to wear this green nail polish the other day and greatly hesitated b/c I thought that it would give off an appearance not becoming of a manager (ie. someone might have an issue and not take me seriously b/c I expressed myself with green nail polish) - I KNOW it sounds ridiculous but if you had some 20 something giving you the low down on rules and regulations, would you believe her if she had her hair dyed a unnatural colour or if she funkfied her personal image in some way? Or am I over reacting?

Hell, I'm taken a lot of time lately mulling over personal appearances, and a 'business look.' I feel like I've been living in dress pants, and the second I get home I'm into my jogging pants and VS PInk shirts. <do not have that one, but it looks cute.> And I do not feel guilty to not 'dress up' on the weekends when I'm lounging, huh? I only wear jeans now when I'm going out somewhere, which was never something I did before. And going out somewhere is a total excuse to wear my normal clothes to the 9s. I find it so hard to balance between work appropriate and my own style (SO no work appropriate), all this and I wear a uniform shirt day in and day out.

Ok some post office funnies (from request)
"Where are the passport forms?" ..."Look in front of you." *as they stand right where the display of passport forms is*
"Where are you envelopes?" ..."see that big wall there of nothing but envelopes, right there."
"I just want one envelope." "We only sell in packages." "but I just want one." "We ONLY sell in PACKAGES." "One?"
"I would like some xmas stamps" "Would you like snow men or nativity?" "Nativity? NO, what do you think I am, christian?" "Snowmen it is!"
"i want to send this box to India/China/Pakistan/fucknuts, I want it there fast, with tracking, but not expensive." "Umm....no."
"Why I can't I send perfume in the mail?" "It has a high alcohol content, which means it is flammable, so it is considered a dangerous good." "But its only cheap perfume...."

And my favorite so far, which has repeated like a broken record....

"Please fill out on the customs form the contents of the parcel."
"Its a gift"
"You need to be more specific..."
"A Christmas Gift."
****************

Going to Florida in January, which I am super duper fucking excited about. Oh to wear shorts, and swimming, and daytona beach, and Cape Canaveral., and Sea World. Spending some much needed time alone with my better half.

My imagination has be static, running through the same situations again and again. I am starting to think I really need to make some time and make writing a priority. I can't let these story lines go stagnent on me until they lose meaning, but so often I feel way too mental tired to draw them up again and process them into written word. I have become so desperately numb at work that I barely even think of my commute anymore, and its all routine routine routine. I am starting to wonder if this dull repetative routine is dumbing me down. I have so many books to read as well, and again...mentally exhausted. HOW about I make a to-accomplish list (not to DO) and build my goals into my routine... Hrm, procrastination is the devil when it comes to productivity, maybe I need to push myself to get back on the horse and reclaim the lost parts of my life...

Looking forward to:

Alice in Wonderland movie

The Lovely Bones movie

Florida

The R.E.M. 4 vinyl disc box set (already released but I never know what I will get for xmas)

The record playa hooked up *HINT*

Perla playing in snow

Getting my hair back to normal (never let me cut it short again.)

Lastly, I saw this picture on the subway advertising a contest, and I laugh every time I think of it, how someone took a black permanent marker to it, drew a penis in the guy's hand, and wrote in the word "dick" before "sauce." The pure randomness of it, at 8am when I'm half asleep, left me chuckling immaturely all day.

I won't let the dentist fool me

2009-10-20T01:43:01Z

I am sick of this ad staring me in the face telling me not to get my teeth whitened at the dentist. It is very distracting, you hear that LJ! Stop with the glowing ads.

I just finished watching Dead Poets Society, and I think it was bloody aweful. It was so cliche, and predicatble, and the whole time you know the director was telling Robin Williams to tone down his over acting. It had this desperate attempt to be original and clever but failed to even make me smirk at the funny parts. I've always heard of how people swear by this movie, etc. I do not see it. Maybe I'm not seeing the bigger picture. I after watching THIS movie, I now see that School Ties is a total copy.

I saw a bus run over a group of seagulls this morning. As my bus pulled into the station, the bus ahead of us was slowly approaching a flock that was eating something left in the road. The bus driver approached slowly, and then accelarated and RAN THEM ALL OVER. I almost cried as I saw one struggling, flailing, to get out from under the bus and just got crush by the bus wheel. A gross and blatant disregard to life. And there were so many people shocked by it. The image haunted me all day. The look at a few kids faces, I wonder if they are having nightmares. One hell of a way to start a monday with the death of the albatross.

It is a good sign that I had a chat with my boss about future hirings, and what we will be doing in January/Feb? I mean, I think they see me there long term. I should up them for more money because if I was in a different life situation, it would be very very difficult to live on the salary I have currently. Yet...Yet...I feel so shackled.

Everyday in the city makes me feel more and more inclined to go country. Could a city girl just up and leave like that? Or do we need to get our feet wet before making the final decision? I have a feeling it would be a much more simplied life, which sounds nice yet I can also see myself getting cabin fever in Feb.

The porch has to go all the way around, a field, a wooded area, and an attic office with a big bay window. Sigh.

Good Morning, Good Evening, and Goodnight.

2009-10-17T03:25:11Z

This week has been incredibly exhausting for no reason in particular. I think it is a scapegoat to blame it on the weather, but there was certainly more than one sleepless night due to a sick nasty headache. And I don't seem to be alone in that, according to all the facebook status I see.

I've had so many random thoughts lately, mostly products of this exhaustion. I wish I could remember them all.

I saw a guy on the subway who was straight from 'revenge of the nerds.' Muttering to himself while reading a book on advanced chemistry. Or physics. It was a science text book. Whatever.

Some customer came up to my post office counter...and asked where the post office is.

I had a craving for green apples as if my name was Harold Crick. I bought a bag from Food Basics to discover that delicious fruit is much more economical than a fatty ass chocolate bar. Yet not always as satisfying.

I want october to be over soon. I am not looking forward to the computer system transfer, especially since I'll be working 12 hours 2 days in a row. Even my boss said "thats not fair" but it needs to be done.

I drink too much coffee. It is delicious.

I miss my clarinet. In for repairs, sitting waiting to be picked up. Not sure when it will be in my hands again.

I do not miss school in any way, shape, or form. Busting my ass for a pay cheque now. The communte is killing me.

6:30am comes way too fast, and 5pm not fast enough.

I'm reading Joseph Boyden's "Born With a Tooth" and it is brilliant.

99% of advertisements that I see are in sentence fragments.

I bought expired popcorn and walked all the way back to the store hours afterwards just to get a fresh box.

I'm hunting for a book that is out of print. Why do I want what I cannot have? Haha.

The cheetos guy smiled at me.

For all the years I have worked at drug stores, I still never remember difference between Tylenol and Advil.

Christmas is coming on too fast.

I am pretty sure I am clenching/grinding my teeth in my sleep, when I sleep.

I miss florida. I miss Orlando nights, gentle warm breezes, and the smell of fresh air.

I have too many products. Face, hair, body.

My closet is full, winter wardrobe is in play with sweaters that don't fit as well as they used to (damn you ta-tas)

I don't like sleeping alone. I wake up at 4am missing you.

I can't take to the sky until I like it on the ground.

Mercy please

2009-09-22T00:11:52Z

Everyday when I am at work I beg for mercy. I beg that this 1 year will be over soon, then glance at the date and realize it is only 5 1/2 months. I went to work today and I never had a stronger urge to quit than I did when I uttered "that'll be 57 cents" for the millionth time. And oh lord help the customer who thinks its just a joe blow job, cuz sometimes my brain wants to explode from all the things I have to accomplish. Its scary how sometimes an 8 hour shift is not enough time to get everything done, and watch anyone jump down my throat for putting something before something else. According to everyone, I should do everything with the highest priority, at the same time.

Here is a rough breakdown of the day.
8:45 - waiting for cash officer to open
8:55 - actually getting to open
9:00 - opening, setting up merch, plano, tills, printing off reports, dealing with issues from previous days.
9:05 - are you open? OR someone will silently stand at the counter for minutes unending while my back is turned as I organize my reports, and then they will be pissed that I didn't see them there. That part is funny.
9am-10am - paperwork inbetween customers, daily reconciliation reports, checking my inbox for shipment notifications, and msgs from head office, attempting to drink coffee.
10am-11am - handling customers (but still way too much paperwork to do, can't let it back up.) No we do not have fax, or photocopy, or bus tickets.
11am - the other clerk arrives for shift.
11am-12pm - final notice cards prep and finalization, post box mail sorting, restock of drawers and plano, check my order list for products that are running low, review carded item inventory, avoid the accountant (tues/thur), RTS prep and finalization (thurs only.), go through RPO mail from head office (that sometimes to account opens even though it is clearly addressed to me from CANADA POST. Ass.)
12-12:30 - usually lunch. not always, sometimes no such luck.
12:30-3pm - serving customers, resolving issues with accounting, entering/sorting stock, resolve discrepancies with carded item inventory, resolve customer issues
3pm - other clerk goes on break for 30mins
3:30-5:00 - wish I was dead, uttering constant "57 cents" phrase, upselling products, cleaning up, reviewing infoposts regarding policy changes, entering parcels for call-for, cashing off for the clerk to come at 5pm, waiting around for cash office to take my till (10-20 minutes), leaving at 5:30 (not paid for then extra time.)

Monday - heavy traffic, panic people, demanding, and stupid beyond measure.
Tuesday - accoutant wants his paperwork regardless of how many ppl I have in line b/c god help him if he doesn't get those numbers at 9am. stupid traffic continues.
Wednesday - traffic is medium, lots of moneygrams (worst money transer system ever), call-fors, drop-ins, resolving outstanding issues.
Thursday - the accountant returns and refers to me by some cock-eyed version of my actual name. RTS - my favorite part - returning parcels to sender, waiting to watch ppl to beg for them back even though they had more than 2 weeks to pickup.
Friday - tps reports, at end of the period there is inventory prep., stock room assorting.

Beginning and ending of the month is money order season, which most people pay cash in $20s for their $980 rent. Cashing off is always fun.

And don't get me started on the 'do not mail' lists.

MERCY.

Gone but not forgotten

2009-09-02T14:25:30Z

I've been ignoring my blog. In fact, I have been ignoring the internet and my computer. I haven't been on here in over 2 weeks because of all the stuffs that was going on. Work is a nach. Thats the new hip word for naturally. And Deets = Details. As if saying the whole word was way way too hard for everyone. Haha.

I took some time off work today b/c of yet another UTI. I have been under a lot of stress/pressure lately, and I believe I was handling it well until this popped up at my lunch break on Tuesday. And believe me, trying to leave work early to go see a doc was easy until I had to walk away from a huge line-up of people who refused to understand that I was too ill to work. If I were a customer, I would probably be peeved as well, but in consideration that the person is sick too, AND with that person being sick, it would be more likely they would f- up my transaction. Which is somewhat what I was doing near the end of the shift, where someone asked for 1 stamp and I had to void the transaction 3 times b/c I kept hitting the whole button. FAIL. But honestly, UTIs are so painful sometimes you can't see staight.

I ended up waiting for about 1.5 hours in a walk in to get some antibiotics, which the doctor said would start working within 24 hours or less. I took them about 12 hours ago, and I still feel pretty shitty. He said it would make me feel slightly better within 5 hours after taking them, and all better within 24 hours. Let us wait and see. If within 48 hours I'm still feeling shitty, then I need to go back for different antibiotics.

Other news, there has been some drama with my baseball team/league. Nothing that I am going to ever repeat online simply b/c of privacy and re-hashing things is stupid. But the comment I feel I need to make is - am I always going to have to wear different hats? I've always felt like I was role playing within my own life, and very few people know who is the real me. And if all hints, it would be you if you are reading this blog. It feels like I'm always watching what I say, or do, or who I am friendly with, who I need to keep my mouth shut around, who I can and cannot trust. As an example - It all kind of happened when there was a falling out between myself and another player who thought it was a good idea to talk about me to other people instead of confronting me about something that easily could have been resolved between the two of us. So there is goes...the trust is gone. And although I made a stretch out to simply reconcile the animosity, I did not recieve any form of apology other than an "I missed you, too." comment. **Maybe this I-dont-know-who-to-trust thing is 1 source of stress for me. AH the joys of being young and having to learn things the hard way. I will say I'm feeling more clever than most 20 somethings. I know how to wear the glove on the other hand. Ha - Ha!

Work was going soooo well until this week. MONDAY was absolutely hell. We served over 400 customers within 12 hours. Normally we hit around 330max or less. My HO rep said that the numbers should be getting back to normal since summer is over, with 400+ being normal. How the hell are we suppose to serve that many people a day AND let me get all my admin stuff done? I havent been able to to any paper work at all. Customers talk back to me when I'm trying to do my admin duties. And I dont have enough hours to put 2 clerks and myself on shift at the same time to cover the traffic, which is what actually needs to happen. I can't speak to the owner about it b/c she will be on vacation in about a week (going for a month I think.) So now I just deal?

I had cold that is better, I havea UTI that will be better, but I'm still exhausted. I NEED A VACA. (for all you hipster out there, its vacation, vacccaation.) I need some vaca deets asap.

Who's bad?

2009-08-10T03:50:14Z

I feel very inclined to jump on a GO bus and get lost for awhile. The commitment to this job is obviously going beyond what I want from it. I did the math, and my salary will only allow me to do 1 of 2 necessary things. Either move out OR get a car. Now is the time to start looking for an apt, and I would really prefer a bach of some sort. I would really consider moving in with S if it wasn't for a few factors. 1. Too far from work, and since I don't have a car or licence yet, public transit between there and work is asking about 1.5-2 hours in good weather. ie. not winter! The option is to leave my job and try to find something else full time that is closer to home OR a better salary, but if I want to get anywhere beyond store level and customer service, I need to put in at least a year of being a manager.

So again this puts me in the situation, move out or car? I already feel like I am vastly outgrowing my living space, and its increasingly hard to convert my childhood room from being a child's/students living space. I dont want to invest money into a space I will not be living in for long, so the idea of new furnishings/accessories (curtains, comforter, etc.) does not appeal to me. However, my current bed cover is the same one I've had since I was about 7. Hell, whats $100 to have something decent looking on my bed? I'm feeling this major gap between being my parent's daughter and being my own woman. This feeling has led to an increased neediness that is not being fullfilled. Not fullfilled in my phone calls to friends who never call back, not fulfilled in my job situation, not fulfilled in my career expectations/goals... I spent so much trying worrying about surviving, I failed to pay attention to relationship building...which is something I really need right now. I'm socially stunted. I keep spending increasing amounts of time by myself, trying to figure myself out, and trying to figure out some sort of long term goal. I don't want to be at the post office a year from now without having worked towards something better.

Frankly, I need to try harder. I need to be more exposed to the rest of the world, and I'm feeling a bit trapped behind a cashier counter. I need mobility. Again, moving out? or car? Both are a step in the right direction. I'm just worried about how to step forward. I want to live my life, on my terms, and not question myself about things.

On a more positive note, I am really looking forward to T+E's wedding on Saturday. It should be a friggin awesome time, and I should take the opportunity to talk to strangers. And maybe not talk too much, and listen instead. Oh...and drink my face off. Although I am working the next day for inventory. OOOhhh well.

Beerfest was awesome. Danced my drunk ass off to Arrested Development, who did a wonderful cover of MJ's "Billie Jean" (my fav song by far.) I got a free bucket of microbrewary stuff. The bald guy who drinks a beer upsidedown every festival had this prize pack to give away, and I got picked for my "use it for spare change" answer to 'what would you do with the bucket?' Everyone else said puke in it. And I was the only lady in the crowd so...yup! Also got a bunch of free t-shirts that are too big for me and too small for S. I loved it all the same, and I had my traditional last drink - Camerons.

I spent my Sunday cleaning up and cleaning out my living space. SO much extra stuff, hair products, skin products. Any stranger looking through my room would think I was ridiculously vain. I just like to try different stuff and I cycle through different products to keep things interesting. Somedays I feel like straight hair, so I have my straight hair products. Somedays (most) I'm a curly girl - and I will tell you that curl girls, when we find a product or 2 that works....STICK BY YOUR MAN. I am going ot need a haircut soon. TRRRuuue say.

Wanted: Dead or Alive

2009-08-05T00:53:38Z

I want my life back. I WANT IT. I want to know where I stand with people, I want my phone calls to be answered, I want a job that doesn't involved people screaming at me throughout the day and cussing me out for doing my job they way its suppose to be done. I don't want to flake out on something that I've only spent about 4 months doing but f*ck me its ridiculous. ALL day its people telling me how slow/strict/etc I am, when I more often than not...faster than the computer, following the LAW, and am one of the most well educated post office managers you will ever meet. By most well educated, I mean that I have the experience, the training, and the know-how to get my job done properly and efficiently. F*ck that makes me sad to even think so. Is this what I do!?!

No no no no no! Why didn't I get a degree in business that would GET me somewhere. NO MORE CUSTOMER SERVICE. I've had had had had it!. Why do I get sh!t on by people when the phamacists doesn't show up? How am I in any way responsible for someone else's actions?? I also tired of waiting around for other people to get their shit together.

I want my life back. Dead or Alive. And hell, maybe that means sitting on my ass all day. But I'm pretty damn sure I'd find many many ways of occupying my time. Anyone want a housewife? I'm good at animal care, cooking, cleaning, etc? Rescue me please!

I'm addressing the realpolitik

2009-07-19T00:12:04Z

There are days when I'm ok with my job. And then there are days when I'd rather be unemployed than to deal with it all. The bottom line is that stupid people make things harder for us smart folk, and the stupid ones lean on us smart people to solve their problems even when it was their own stupidity that brought about the sh!t storm to begin with.

The simpliest explaination is that I spent 10 mintues on my CELL PHONE on my day off...with a customer who couldn't accept that we wouldn't be able to cash his cheque. Now he picked up the money (from a money transfer service we offer) but the clerk who served him did not have enough cash to give him, thus she issued him a cheque. The part HE didn't tell her was that he wasn't canadian. So of course she tells him he can go to the bank or moneymart to cash the cheque, which he can't do b/c 1. he does not have a bank account and 2. moneymart will not accept non-canadian ID. So what happens is he comes back to our office, after the original clerk has finished her shift and gone home, and DEMANDS his money. Well buddy...the transaction on our part is done. You have you cheque, it is not our responsiblity to tell you what to do with it. And of course SDM does not cash cheques nor accepts them as a form of payment, so basically this guy was out of luck. The PO clerk calls me in a panic in the middle of my baseball game, and I end up talking to this guy...telling him the SDM cheque policy, and that his transaction is done, we are not responsible for cashing, refunding, or any form of giving out money after his transaction is complete, that is something he has to take up with the moneygram service (since it is a 3rd party business.) I ended up hanging up on him b/c I was going on the field (after telling him time and time again that there was nothing I could do in person or over the phone b/c the policy is the policy.) He argued that I should either "give him canadian ID or his money." Listen fucktard...if you needed that money so bad, what would it have cost you to wait a few hours until the cashier had enough money to give you, b/c you obviously had time to spare in your afternoon to do so and thusly spend it harrassing my staff. End result is he took things up with moneygrams after the clerk gave him the customer service number and as far as I know he didn't come back, but telling my clerk that if he did she needs to call the front shop manager and security. WTF was I suppose to do over the phone??

I bring up this story particularly because I have found a very disturbing trend of MEN bullying women into getting what they want. I deal with it everyday at my work, and in the public space (subway, resturants, etc.) It is the most refreshing thing to see a man hold a door open for a woman. And yes yes yes equal rights etc etc. Frankly, it is refreshing to see anyone have any sense of manners, decorum, and class. However, I see it happen more and more that men bully women. I see it when a customer trys to get more from me, and tries to use a big voice to intimidate. I see it when a man makes his wife fill out his forms, carry his groceries, and tend to the childern all the same time. I see when a young man scrambles for a seat on the subway while the pregnant lady has to stand (and god help me if he was my son, he would've gotten the worst hand to the back of the head you'd ever see. lol) Its just downright disgusting. And it makes me more and more prone to be attracted to those who have a little class, sense of self worth, pride in themselves, etc. For all the slovenly hobo wife beating bastards are there...shame on you. Shame on you and your insecurities as an individual, building yourself up by putting weaker individual down. Not to say that women are weak, but I see that the ladies who end of these men are the kind on people that are easily walked on, regardless on their sex and physical strength.

All this being said...I will never tell a lie that I love the company of men over women. But i'm not refering to the men mentioned above. I'm refering to my men, who tell it like it is, act macho, fail, and can laugh at themselves in the aftermath. I would've given my left arm for a brother. Or maybe not, but I am such a fish out of water when I'm hanging around women. It has become painfully clear that all they want to do is bitch about something or other. "My foot hurts" "My coffee is cold" etc etc bitch bitch bitch PLEASE! I'm not the bitching type, well not in the manner. I just can't sit in a group of women and talk about everything that is wrong with me, and then feel better about having highlighted all the negative things in my life? I know that I have many a day when I'm not miss mary sunshine. It has been a very long road of learning how to let go, especially of the things I cannot change. This could bethe very reason why I haven't had a panic attack in almost a year. If my memory serves me....I think my last semi-panic attack was last november when I had 4 essay due in 3 days? I'm not sure, I just remember it being in the fall sometime.

Breathing in and out, living day by day. Always try to have a reason to get up in the morning, even if it is just to do your laundry. ;)

Freak Out

2009-07-05T23:15:57Z

Today I had a bit of a freak out at La Senza. I know...wtf. In La Senza?!

(Ps. this story is a bit reminisent of that one shopping trip we went on last year to La Senza *Jenn*)

I'm trying on bras b/c they have them all on super duper clearance sale. All the bras I have feel...wrong? I don't know. They were fitting ok for awhile but now not so much. I was thinking that they just needed replacing. Sidenote: I have been told women are suppose to replace their bras every 3-6 months, depending on how much we wear them, but for the prices that they run...not likely unless there is a SUPER sale, such as today. Anyways...no bra that I tried on in my size would fit the girls right. I relented and let the dressing room girl measure me. I'M NOW a 34C. WTF. I have always. ALWAYS. been a B cup. Even when I weighed a ridiculous 110 pounds (age 18), I was still a B cup. I was happy as a B cup. And now...now. A C cup fits me so well I am shocked. At first I didn't believe the dressing room girl, until she brought me a C in the style I had on, and I couldn't believe how well it fit. I'm kind of freaking out. I very much enjoyed being a B cup, and a C cup is just too much of a step up.

However, this change explains a lot. It explains why some size S t-shirts that used to fit me are no longer wearable. It explains why my once favorite bra digs into me, and I prefer to wear a sports bra. Frankly, I am concerned they will get even bigger. Both my sister and mother are DD. Now keep in mind I am about 50-60lbs lighter than both of them. But every woman in our family has a size C or bigger. I guess it was just a matter of time.

I would also like to know why every dress on the face of the earth has an empire waist line when no one (of any figure) can pull it off without looking preggers or fat. I was trying to find a dress to wear to T/E's wedding in Aug, and I figured that since the prom season is over, I could find a nice dress within a reasonable price range. Its not a fancy wedding, so a nice summer dress would do. Couldn't find anything that A) Fit Me, and B) Didn't make me look like a pregnant teenage cow. So many designs are catering towards the 16 year old crowd, and I just wanted a nice *womanly* dress. Lol. The one dress that I did find, and reallllly liked...was not on sale (orig. price $125.00 - sorry, no way.)

I am also VERY pleased to annouce that after 2 weeks of eating right, I have finallllly lost some weight. I will go into it again....I was trying to change my eating habits for awhile, wean myself off junk food, and train my body/mind to want health food. It has (overall) worked. I'm conciously eating food with low sodium, high fibre, and watching that perservatives are going into it. Also making choices like turkey on whole wheat bread instead of BIG MACs. Hahaha. Overall, I went from 136lbs to about 129lbs in 2 weeks. I think most of that weight was water and gas retention due to high sodium intake. I'm eating smarter. Although, I find very very often during the day I have no appetite now. I have no inclination to eat, so I've been eating when I'm hungry (waiting for body to say "feed me" before shoveling food into it.) I'm actually feeling pretty good at 129lbs, and I think its from this point onward that I need to start exercising more.

.....However I'm still pissed that H&M makes their pants ridiculously small.

Keep on Scratching

2009-06-26T15:16:56Z

I took the day off work, and I'm felt a little...apprehensive...about it. The girl I have working for me usually calls every hours asking some question or other about things she should know how to do. And although I have always said that I"d rather them ask before doing...rather than just doing and making a bigger mess that I have to clean up. SO far, she has been there 2 hours...and just before I finished this sentence...she has already called. I swear...she has very little commonsense. And she is asking for more hours, which I don't have to give out anyways b/c they aren't available, but I also question if she is worth it??

I'm a touch fustrated.

I haven't really had an appetite either. I just simply cannot eat my mother's cooking anymore. It just makes me gag. Everything is over cooked, and bland, and looks like something that cat puked up. I know that sounds horrible but here is the image. I just worked for 8 hours, and it took me over an hour to get home. I was looking forward to an AC house and a dinner. I got home to find my house is hotter than it is outside b/c apparently AC costs too much money (even though the humidty outside is like 38 degrees.) And my mom had made plan mashed potatoes (no milk, no butter, just dry ass potatoes) and sausage. I really don't care much for sausage other than the italian sausage that is pre-cooked, packaged, homemade, kind of thing. She had bought that kind of sausage...AND COOKED IT AGAIN. It was so hard, I was unable to cut into it. I mean...it was inedible. That night...I went to bed around 9:30pm, completely turned off food and sweating to death. And this happens pretty often where there is no edible food in my house and I usually go hungry.

Frankly, most days I am too tired to really cook something for myself, but lately there has been nothing to really cook anyways (even if i just made something up.) My sister has been home since about May and she is eating everything in sight. NO exagerations. She ate a full party sized bag of mixed junk food...in 1 day. And ate my pudding I left in the fridge. And all the pop. And every kind of cookie you could imagine. Its kind of scary how big she is getting, b/c its that kind of big that most people do not get back from. We share the same genetics....will I be prone to the same physical dispostion? Not sure, but I've been trying to eat fruit and veggies for lunch lately. There is a nice little grocery store in the mall (and a Food Basics, too) that I wander over to and buy some fruit for lunch. As a result, I've gotten myself down to 131lbs, and I'm aiming for 125 or less by mid-july. Its just a matter of keeping up with the good eating habits and not falling for the traps. I find that if I have a little bit of chocolate, or something else, I'll feel good enough about to not eat the whole bar.

Its really tough that coffee is a hunger suppresent. I drink a big mug everymorning while I work so I dont feel the need to snack between 7:30 am and 1pm when I have lunch.

Lastly, I would like to applaude the Food Basics home brand - Irrestiables. They are the ONLY company that I have found that has peanut/almond free ice cream. Cookies and Cream, Caramel, Chocolate and Brownie, etc. All the flavours I couldn't eat before because of the worry of walnuts/peanuts in the brownies, etc. The best part is that the company still offers nut products, such as Pistachio Ice Cream. So they do not compromise between their nut and non-nut eating customers. I am very impressed. It is not expensive ice cream, it is delicious, and it is compariably low in fat (anywhere between 5-7 grams of fat for every 1 cup.) THANK YOU. I should give the company direct props.

New / Old

2009-06-23T00:26:14Z

Today was the first day that I missed my old work place. And I mean...the original IDA store.
Today I had a number of customers ask me how I was, and greeted me by name, and said they were "glad to see that the RPO was doing well" and that I was "doing a good job." I realized that these people are now my regulars. My old regulars are...well...nevermore. I'm never going to give Mr. Death (his real name!) another parcel, or bitch about how Mr. Dirty so and so was such a dirty so and so. Mr. Death has been replaced with Mr. Love (although I have yet to meeth him, I just keep seeing his mail go through.)

My RPO manager from head office came in to check on things today, and was pleasantly suprised to find that I had handled everyone/thing as is was suppose to be handled, and handled everyone/thing better than most other managers have (RPO managers.) S.B. (my head office manager) had commented on how he is glad he doesn't have to come in a few times a week, like he has to do with other outlets. I was curious if he meant new outlets or long standing ones, and he meant out of ALL of the 33 outlets that he takes care of. The only problems that I had to report to him were the very legit, over my head problems; by that I mean, problems that I should not touch with a ten foot pole and I know enough when, why, and how to pass to along these issues in order to get things resolved. This included a very angry/threatening letter I received from a PO Box renter saying I was "perferming elegal activelys" by asking for the business renter to provide a copy of his business registration. I never responded to that letter other than by passing it onto head office. That resulted in them sending the PO BOX renter (after viewing the original letter I sent, and that the renter replied to) and told him either provide the RPO with the appropriate documentation or they will revoke his box from him with no refund provided. Which they have the right to do, its all in the terms and conditions. ALWAYS READ THE SMALL PRINT!.

Anyways, it feels good knowing that busting my ass is appreciated by a number of people, and that my efforts to handle things no-confrontationally and compassionately has worked to an advantage. Unfortunately, some of my other staff members fail to do things in the same way...and it makes me wonder. What does it take for a clerk to talk to a customer as if you were the customer yourself? You can't just f-ing law down the law, put the hammer down, and expect a customer to be all smiles and say good things about your business. GEEEEZZZzz.

I am feeling a little remensicent about IDA. Its just downright sad how things are turning out over there. The business is allll gone. I think after I left, and lot of people just gave up. I was there for 7 years, and to have that last familar face to just up and leave...well I guess thats just how it goes. Its just sad to see how something was...how it was so important to so many people, even though it was so small a place. Its weather like this that reminds me of the old sidewalk sales we used to have in order to sell off our extra stock of sunscreen, picnic products, etc. and how we used to get snow days whenever Mr. R didn't feel like opening up for the day. Its like watching an old tree die and get cut down. You'll always remember how to was, but there will just be a new tree there...growing as a replacement, as if the old one never existed.

I'm getting a writer's itch....can't you tell?

And I am embarrassed to annouce...I'm antipating the next episode of Jon and Kat plus 8. Divorce? Cancelled Show? Jon leaving the show? Kat being a bitch...wait. thats a given. She has ALWAYS been a nagging bitch, and Jon just looks so damn miserable (even from season one when I see replays every so often.) But seriously. TLC is THE LEARNING CHANNEL. WTF is up with all this reality t.v. crap? I''m not learning anything other than that gay men really know how to dress/design, it costs a lot of money to put on a wedding, Kat Gossling is a bitch, and little people are just like big people...except they are little and they have to alter every aspect of their lives...

How about doing a show about Autism? or living with allergies? I remember seeing one show about a girl who was allergic to water...very interestingggg

Convocation, Calm, and Bewilderment

2009-06-21T00:30:37Z

Convocation was on Monday and everything went pretty well. I couldn't believe how big the graduating class was, though. If you could do the math, there were about 600 people in my graduating class. There are also about 20 convocations every June and Novemeber. So this maybe an over shot of the numbers, but that adds up to about 24,000 university graduates every year. No wonder that job market is so tight. I am taking into consideration that many of those grads go onto graduate school, including teacher's college, and some go onto community college to do other things in order to progress a career path. But that is still a lot of friggin jobs to fill, considering a vast majority of these grads are up to their eye balls in debt.

I feel (more than EVER) very lucky to not have to deal with student debt, graduating 100% debt free. It has totally worked to my benefit, especially since I recently was approved for a new credit card that is 3X the limit of my previous card. The woman that I talked to from the credit agency had said that if I was still a student, the credit they would have offered would have been significantly less (and I mean less than $500.) Because of my ability to handle my finances, I now have a great start to building some credit. Shwing! Although I will admit, I have been spending more money now than I ever have, mostly b/c I no longer had to worry about paying for books and tuition. I have a WONDERFUL wardrobe built up, but my closet is toooooo small. Hahaha. Typical woman.

I will repeat...there is a need to unclutter. I have taken a few steps to remedy this, but it has been baby steps. I was told earlier this week that my aunt and uncle will be coming in October to stay with us for awhile (not sure how long that is exactly.) My parents are now going into clean-up mode b/c I think they want to impress them. Frankly, my house looks semi-ruined by the fact we have not paint, wallpapered, or even slightly redecorated since the day my parents moved in back in 1982. The wallpaper in my room is original to when my sister was born! So I'm now sure about all of this. I mean, if we had the finances to make over the house, then why did we have to wait until someone came over (which embarrasingly to admit, does not really happen.) I've been told I have to "do something with all my stuff." This is going to sound terrible, but my sister just moved back in and she has a LOT of stuff just lying around, and owns about 5X as much as I do (including old toys, old clothing, and her school work from high school for some reason.) We have a storage room in the basement that is full and needs to be organized, to which I replied...I have 2 boxes of books, 1 bag of stuffed animals that I will go through, and a pink tea set from when I was very young (sentimental!) The rest of the other 12 boxes belongs to my sister. Maybe she will organize and clean up before looking for a job. Haha. It would have been nice to have that kind of grace period...

I finally got my seperation papers from my old work place. It only took 2 months! Meanwhile, I had been recieving letter after letter from the union about updates, new policies, etc. I never bothered contacting them to say I wasn't in the union anymore, but now I'm realizing it was b/c my resignation was processed until sometime last week. WHat!? Were they hoping I would come back to rescue them? And yes, I DO give myself that much credit. I ran into a former fellow IDA employee and she told me about all the garbage that went down after I had left. They did not hire anyone to replace me, and instead rearranged the RPO hours so that everyone has to alternate evenings and weekends. Ok , so that is NOT my fault that the damn company couldn't get their shit together, but I know that if I step foot in there any time soon, I will not be greeted with a smile. Although when I was talking to C* about the store, she had blamed a lot of it on the manager (whom I was not fond of b/c she was more interesting in making herself look good than taking care of the needs of the store, including both customer and employee.) C* had indicated that she wasn't sure if the store was going to make it b/c after I left, a lot of the customers just gave up. I guess the 7 years of a familiar face...and then disappearing...that'll do it; they (customers) lost a lot when they business as sold, and I guess losing the last truly familiar face was the last straw. Although a lot of the other employees were from IDA, I was the longest standing; that resulted in me getting the least hours, and finally throughing in the towel. Its really rather sad to watch how everything went down, and sometimes I feel a little guilty that all we could do was watch it burn.

SDM - I'm still a little cheesed about this whole pay cheque thing. FS manager v.s. RPO manager. I'm going to sit on it until probation is over, and then I'm going to insist on being trained for Front Shop. I'm really starting to feel left in the dark regarding how the store works. All staff members have to know all the details of the sales, the store layout, etc. Part of project infinity is that every member of the staff has to read and sign the terms and conditions of all sales (promo and regular) in order for anyone of the staff to be able to participate in the sale. E.g. if it is a spend $75+, get a gift card for something, then all employees have to sign before anyone can get this promo sale. SUCK ass. HOWEVER...this is MY understanding of it. Like I said, I feel very left in the dark regarding how a lot of FS works, which is a very strange feeling for me (at previous job I was RPO clerk, FS clerk, merchasdising, pharmacy, etc.)

I took this online test (developed by a doctor from an institute for autism, sorry I don't have the link anymore) that tests adults for their level of autism. So I took the test, at the end it stated that anyone scoring above 32 has a type of autism that can be determined by what answers were given. I resulted in a 42, and apparently I have Aspergers. Which basically means that I have problems recognizing emotions in other (facial), uncoordinated physically (ever notice how long it takes me to put on a coat in winter?), emotionally unbalanced (not able to deal with certain situations), and social problems contected to the way my brain processes situations (such as speaking at inapproriate times, misreading the emotion of a situation, or saying something that is out of place.) I always thought I was just socially retarded, sorry for the phrase but I am. I often have imbalanced emotions, anywhere between extreme sadness to extreme anger; I often react before thinking about the situation, which results in me saying/doing something very ackward that causes people to not say anything to me. Throughout my adulthood I've often had situations where I've had to check myself before opening my mouth, knowing I would say exactly how I felt without being able to analyse the whole of the situation. I'm wondering if I should be offficially tested for this, or just leave it at...I have something more wrong with my brain that is more than just my upbringing (lack of socialization, isolation from social situations, and constantly being stuck in a book instead of outside playing with other kids.)

One of the things that was said about Aspergers was that people with this form of autism tended to do very well in the work place, but their personal life involved hording things and obsessing over certain objects/activities. Could I mention a few?? PINK, music, books, shopping, hording things in piles! I'm actually a little bewildered about it, maybe I should be tested....:S